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With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan's "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General," a patter-song in The Pirates of Penzance. If you're not familiar with the tune, .

Also inspired by Josh Tyra's Old Testament-oriented ""

I am the very model of a Doctor of New Testament,

I exegete pericopae in weather fine or inclement,

I know the difference between a codex and a Chester B,

and even if a manuscript is Byzantine or Westerly.

I number and eviscerate fallacies exegetical,

and teach my students to avoid those follies homiletical,

With views on the millennium I’m certain I’ll amuse yah

(Bothered for a rhyme... Amuse yah, amuse yah... Got it!)

In matters ‘pocalyptical I teach on the Parousia!

I argue ‘bout the authorship of letters Pauline and Petrine,

My research has determined that Luke finished Acts on May sixteen,

In short, I ably exegete, in weather fine or inclement,

I am the very model of a Doctor of New Testament!

On Paul I can expostulate perspectives old and de novo,

I comprehend a genitive subjective or objectivo,

Of tradition and redaction I’m an expert and a critic,

I’ve determined the eye color of that healéd paralytic.

My reading’s all initialized, with titles like T-D-N-T,

I wrote a hundred entries for the lexicon B-D-A-G.

I’ve diagnosed that thorn of Paul’s that made him feel so dreary,

(Bothered for a rhyme... Dreary, dreary... Got it!)

On North and South Galatian views I’m certain of my theory!

I give opinions on accents acute and circumflexian,

And lucidly enunciate both modern and Erasmian,

In short, I ably exegete, in weather fine or inclement,

I am the very model of a Doctor of New Testament!

I know what Jesus wrote upon the dust in words non-verbally,

(Yes, I know that scene’s excluded by criteria externally),

Don’t get me started talking on those Jesus Quests heretical,

I’ll quote you Schweitzer’s famous lines and slap your face polemical!

I like my eschaton inaugurated, but not realized,

I’m not Bultmannian enough to like it demythologized,

I dissect ev’ry echo or allusion, even just a hint,

(Bothered for a rhyme... Just a hint, just a hint... Got it!)

Unlike my OT colleagues I’m a fan of the Septuagint.

I explicate the value of inscriptions and numismata

and can distinguish clearly ‘tween σαρκίνα and πνευματικά

And so I ably exegete, in weather fine or inclement,

I am the very model of a Doctor of New Testament!

Encore:

I can construct a diagram semantic and syntactical,

and pontificate on matters both linguistic and rhetorical,

I opine that the magi wrote a weekly Persian horoscope,

(Bothered for a rhyme... Horoscope, horoscope... Got it!)

I know well that pericope rhymes not at all with periscope!

And so I ably exegete, in weather fine or inclement,

I am the very model of a Doctor of New Testament!